Today would have been my Dad’s 50th Birthday. But tragically he passed away nearly 5 years ago in a Motorbike accident. I never ever thought I would ever write a blog post about the loss of him, but it just feels right. I want to share my loss with you, as some of you may be going through a similar situation.
My parents got divorced when I was very young, as my Dad worked away on oil rigs a lot so my Mum had to care for me, my brother and sister alone most of the time. It was hard on her and they drifted apart. We used to see my Dad every other weekend, but as you know when you grow up and get more independent, working, going to college and seeing friends you just don’t spend as much time with them. It’s sad, because looking back, if I knew I wouldn’t have my Dad for much longer I would have spent every day with him. That’s life though I guess, it throws unexpectedness into the works.
My Mum and I went through a little patch where we didn’t get along much, teenage dramas us girls have! So I went and lived with my Dad. It was SO nice having him there and getting him involved in my college work and he loved having me around. His girlfriend found it very difficult me being there because she thought it was a one off, but actually I stayed for months. It was my intention to stay living with him until I went to Uni and then alternate between my Mum and his when I came back for holidays. Obviously that never happened anyway as he died 3 months before I went to uni.
I got on well with his girlfriend I thought, but behind closed doors I didn’t realise she felt uncomfortable. My Dad told me of this and he obviously didn’t want to choose but if he did, he was going to choose me. He spoke about them drifting apart and he wasn’t really sure on where his future was going to be with her because she wanted to be closer to her kids and my Dad his. He even spoke about them possibly going their separate ways. But then they went on a little trip away, 8 months into me living there. It was towards the end of my college year. They had a really nice time away, and I think they sorted a few of their issues out. I was at work one day and got home about 7pm in which my Dad’s girlfriend had cooked me dinner. She informed me my Dad was out on his motorbike and would be back shortly. I went straight upstairs and got on with my college work as I had my final hand in 2 days later on the Friday. It was getting late and my Dad’s girlfriend wasn’t sure where he was, she phoned him but she couldn’t get through – obvious thought, he was driving back. Then at about 9pm there was a knock on the door. I was upstairs at this point and all I heard was the word ‘DEAD’. My heart sank. I got up, ran out the room and started walking downstairs to which all I could see was 2 police officers standing there and my Dad’s girlfriend running up crying to comfort me. I was in total shock. It didn’t feel real. I remember saying to them so my Dads dead? You couldn’t do anything? What happened? No this can’t be right? Was there nothing you could do? It was the most surreal moment of my life. I was only 19. The police took my Dad’s girlfriend into the lounge to call close family whilst I sat in the hallway crying and trying to phone my Mum. My Step-Dad answered the phone and he couldn’t understand what I was saying, but when he did, he passed the phone to my Mum and said ‘ Adriana, Sophie is going to really need you right now, David’s had a crash and he’s dead’ – to which point my Sister overheard at home and we were all crying and in shock. My Dad’s girlfriends family came round and I was just there with no one to comfort me in my Dad’s house. Luckily, my boyfriends friend dropped him round and I grabbed a few things and left and he drove me home. I cried the whole way. I didn’t know what was happening, it didn’t feel real. I felt sick. I kept telling myself my Dads dead, he’s dead, no no it can’t be happening. Your brain can’t cope with those thoughts.
The next few days, weeks and months were the hardest. Trying to sort out his will, funeral arrangements, and coping all at the same time. Because my parents were divorced it made things very hard. My family lied about my Dad having a will because in it it stated us children got everything. But they were worried we were going to chuck his Girlfriend out the house. However, unfortunately with recent new house laws that had come into place, if you sign a house in joint tenancy, when one dies the whole house goes straight to the other person and the mortgage gets wiped. So basically, my Dad’s girlfriend ended up with the house and most of the possessions inside, which some of them still belong to us. It was gutting. My Dad had worked hard for that house. She hardly put any money towards it because she was 1. in debt and 2. didn’t have a house before, she rented from her parents. The money my Dad had worked hard for was lost. He lost his family because of that money as he worked hard to try and make a living for all of us. And she got it. And now when she dies her children will get it. It’s totally wrong.
I was angry for a few years about that, but now I’ve learnt to move on, it’s not worth it. It still hurts inside, but I won’t let it rule my life. She can rot with guilt. I know it’s harsh to say but it’s unfair. She also didn’t want my Mum there at the funeral. Which was also wrong. I don’t want to go into too much detail because I could literally write a 20 page essay about all of the family and money issues that arose when my Dad died. It happens though, you hear it all the time.
It’s just so sad he’s gone. As the years have passed he’s missed so much. I went through 3 years of Uni, my graduation, getting my first job, moving to London, my boyfriend, my friends, general random stuff that goes on everyday. He has missed it all and I’ve missed out on sharing it with him. I’m so jealous of other people that have their Dads around. I didn’t have mine for my 21st birthday. He won’t be there for my wedding or even when I have kids. He never got the chance to be a grandad. It’s totally unfair and cruel.
These are things I have to live with. Most people go through life not even thinking, I know I did before he passed. You don’t think that someone might be gone tomorrow. It’s really affected how I live now though. Everytime the phone rings from home, I’m scared it’s going to be that someone has died. That’s now become one of my fears. I also beat myself up a lot when things go wrong. If I can’t do something or get somewhere I get worried and upset. I’ve lost my Dad isn’t that enough pain for me to feel. I also want to try and make him proud. So if I don’t feel like I’m achieving it gets me down.
Since graduatuing I have always wanted to go to America. My Dad travelled with work all over and America has always appealed to me. Anyway, the past few years nobody has been able to go with me, and it’s not something I wanted to do solo. But this year, I have the opportunity to go. And I got a new job! All of this in the same day. Now any other person would be ecstatic. But me, I cried. I didn’t feel like I was allowed to be happy, did I deserve this? In the past some things haven’t gone right? Why now? After a few days I felt better, I know I’ve lost my Dad, he would want me to be happy. Maybe he was up there working his magic and he had something to do with it.
Losing someone so close to you makes you realise that life is too short. That’s why when I want to do something, I have to do it! I’m so grateful for my family I have left and certain friends around me. I’m grateful to be here sharing my experience with you now. The little things in life become important too.
It’s hard because people around me forget I think about what I’m going through. It doesn’t go away. It’s not a 1 day thing, someone dies and that’s that. It’s with you forever.
Birthdays and Xmas are the hardest. I want to make everything perfect to cover up the fact that my Dad’s not here. I don’t know why I do that though, every year something upsets me. But that’s because subconsciously I’m thinking about my Dad and how he isn’t here and how I won’t even get a card from him.
I could literally keep on writing!! But I’m going to stop now.
Have any of you lost your Dads? Or Mums maybe? I’d love to hear how you’re coping. I just wanted to share my experience in case anyone is going through it now or has been through it and wants to talk.
Talking definitely helps.
Happy 50th Birthday Dad, I miss you, I love you. Always & forever
xxx
Here’s a little video below of my feelings and me attempting to sing in memory of my Dad…
Peace
x
