LETTING GO

I haven’t written a really personal blog post for a while. I find them hard to write as I’m never sure if I want to let people in. But then at the same time, if there is someone else out there feeling a similar way or going through the same personal experiences as me, it is comforting to read about it happening to someone else; even if it’s not a very nice situation.

I’ve had this post in my drafts for a few weeks now as I just haven’t got round to finding the time to sit down at my desk and write. Personal posts I always feel take a lot more time and thought than anything else. You may know that my Dad passed away just under 7 years ago. I still can’t believe how quick the time has gone, it’s so surreal. I wrote another blog post recently where I reflected on 2016 and shared my thoughts and feelings on the year. Last year I definitely felt like something changed inside of me and I finally got myself to a content place in life. I think what helped me get to that place was letting go.

The day the police knocked at my house to tell me my Dad had died in a motorbike crash, was the most surreal moment. I couldn’t quite process what was happening, I felt sick, I was distraught. My world had ended. I couldn’t quite believe that something like this could happen to me; you don’t see these things coming. I had no time to prepare, no warning signals. It happened and that was that. I think that was one of the hardest things; I wish I could have said goodbye, even though I’m not sure if I could have even coped in a situation like that. My Mum sat by her Dad’s hospital bed and watched him take his last breath. I don’t think I would be strong enough to ever witness that.

Since that horrible, horrible day I never ever thought I would see myself getting to where I am today. I never thought I’d see myself laugh, be happy and actually enjoy life again. But it’s because in 2016, 6 years after my Dad passed away, I finally let go. As hard as it’s been I knew it was the right thing to do. I couldn’t spend any longer crying, I couldn’t spend anymore days feeling down. I mean don’t get me wrong, I still have days like that, but I’m trying to be a lot more happier, trying to care less and I’m just trying to make my Dad proud.

My siblings are finding things a lot harder. It’s difficult because everyone deals with death in different ways. Some people are stronger than others, some people lock their feelings away. I don’t know how I’ve managed to get myself to where I am today, but I have. It definitely takes time, but honestly if you’re going through a family members death right now, you will get through it and come out the other side. You won’t get ever over it; it will always be with you, everyday. But things do get easier, especially if you let go.

I had to let go of a lot of things. It wasn’t just my Dad’s death, there was awkwardness in the family; my parents were divorced you see. Then there was his Will and lots of other things that just didn’t help. But over time, I’ve learnt that I just needed to let go of all of my feelings, and as horrible as I think this sounds, move on. I don’t mean moving on and forgetting about my Dad, I mean just letting go of any feelings that I’ve had associated with it. All of the why’s and the buts, sort of accepting his death, accepting that he’s gone. That’s something that takes time. I find it hard watching my siblings struggle with our Dad’s death. I try and help them but like I said people deal with things differently. I just wish they could let go too and start to enjoy their lives. Our Dad’s gone and as much as we pray and wish he would come back, he’s never going to. You only get one life and my Dad wouldn’t want me to be upset about it for the rest of my life. He would want me getting out there and accomplishing as much as I can, because he’s living proof that life’s too short. He died aged 45.

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Sequin Coord: Glamorous // Silver Jacket: Glamorous // Shoes: Prettylittlething // Necklace: Shop Willows Calls // Earrings: No Basic Bombshell

Peace
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