I woke up this morning alone in bed as my boyfriend went off to work at 7am and you know on Sundays, you just lay there for a bit scrolling down your Instagram feed don’t you? Well I was scrolling and thinking. I was trying to find a good Sunday quote to regram and I found myself getting deeper into thoughts. I noticed I was attracted to quotes about life.
As some of you are aware my life was turned upside down when my Dad passed away. One of the people you’re meant to spend pretty much 40/50/60 years with. I found a way of dealing with my grief and loss by blocking it out. I don’t know how I did it but I did and it’s kept in a part of my brain that allows me to not deeply think about my Dad to the point I want to cry. I really thought time was a healer and not that I’d gotten over losing my Dad because I never will. But I thought I had found a way of dealing with it. Since my last post about my Dads birthday, I started my new job which I love! And from those of you whom also caught my Youtube video will also know that this year I got a new job and I’m getting to go on my dream trip away to America. I said that I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be happy. Since starting my job I have started to feel a bit more happier and I didn’t think about anything really apart from training for the marathon, blogging and work and then of course looking forward to going away to America. But now I’ve found myself thinking again.
It’s weird, today I’ve realise that I don’t think I’m ever going to be content with life. Even if I do get things that I’ve wanted, I’ll be fine for a little while, but then my thoughts will come back. I’ve realised that I think I’m searching for something. Something is missing. There is something holding me back from living life freely and feeling positive. Even though I’ve got a job I love and enjoy I’m still finding myself looking for something else. But why? I’m still judging myself, figuring out where I’m heading, what my future is. I feel like I have to have something else planned, I can’t just live life not having something to grasp to. I need plans. I have these feelings obviously because of my Dad not being here. My whole perspective on life changed the day he died. I didn’t even really have a view on life before. But now I can see for myself what life can do to you and how short it really is, I feel like I need to do amazing things. I don’t want to leave the earth with not having done anything or achieved anything. I don’t want to settle. It’s very difficult having these feelings because nobody else around me understands.
But today I’ve come to realise that this year I got two things I wanted and that made me happy. But now suddenly I’m back to questioning myself and thinking. I don’t know what it is that I’m searching for. I’m clearly searching for something because I’m happy right now but I’m still thinking of what’s next. Why can’t I be content? There’s something missing still and I know I need to work out what that is. However, I think that maybe I’m in my next stage of grief. Maybe my grief has changed because I managed to find out how to deal with my grief before.
It’s sad because the thought of living life like this for the rest of my life is daunting. I don’t want to feel like I’m constantly searching and that I’m never going to be able to feel content. This all stems from losing my Dad. I just want to make him and everyone else proud. I want to achieve amazing things all the time. It’s weird, I still don’t really know what I want out of life and I think I’m going to be searching forever. Maybe I will find it and then another stage of grief will come by.
What’s next? Who knows, I think I seriously need to work it out. Or maybe I need to just chill and let life be, but I can’t not with everything that’s happened and with my perspective on life. You really do need to live everyday like it’s your last.
With the quote above: “Your worst battle is between what you know and what you feel” (from @designtexts) – I know there are certain things in life you have to do. You have to work to earn money to live. But the way I feel about life I wish I could be free and achieve things. You always go with what you know though, because regardless of how you feel, you know that the first option is always the most sensible.
Peace
x
Warning: call_user_func() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, function 'pipdig_comment' not found or invalid function name in /home3/sophieh4/public_html/sophiehannah/wp-includes/class-walker-comment.php on line 183